What We Say When Reacting vs What We Say When Responding
Reacting and Responding are two mindsets with which we navigate the world. The key differences between the two are:
When reacting, we are quick to make assumptions. When responding, we understand that most of misunderstandings and miscommunication comes down to assumptions we make and therefore we ask: खासमा के भएको हो? (what really happened?).
When reacting, we takes things personally and therefore, are quick to either blame or self-blame. When responding, we understand that underneath judgments we have about ourselves, about others or judgments others have about us, are difficult feelings and unmet needs. Identifying, labeling and understanding these feelings and needs is the key to solving problems.
In a reactive zone, we are reluctant to communicate what’s truly important. We have a deep fear about the judgments others will have if we communicate what we need. We also have a deep fear of rejection and therefore feel safer not to communicate rather than risking asking for something and not getting it. When a responsive mindset, we understand that anything we say/do comes down to needs that are important to us in that moment (and this can't be automatically understood by others). Therefore we make the effort to transform vague expectations like ‘I wish they supported me’ to a specific request that would meet the need like ‘Can you write this section of this report for me by Sunday?’ to forming a clear agreement ‘Okay, so we have agreed that you’ll write half of the section by Tuesday’.
A few examples of these principles played out in everyday interactions:
Reacting: My teammates are so irritating! (notice the lack of accountability for one's feelings)
Responding: When the meeting starts 10 minutes than scheduled and that too without prior agenda being communicated, I feel irritated because I would have liked: a) to make the best use of my time b) focus on the other project where my inputs have a direct impact on the outcome. I’d like to request my manager if we can start communicating agendas prior to the meeting (notice how we take full accountability for our feelings and needs and looks for an action that would help).
Reacting: I had to come to this party because of them! (notice the lack of accountability for choice we make)
Responding: Although initially I was reluctant to come to the party because I was wanting time to myself, I still chose to come because coming here would be a way for me to show my support to the newly wed. I’d like to leave earlier than my friends because I still want some time to myself after this (notice how we take accountability for our choice).
How We Listen When We React vs When We Respond
When the other person says: “You’ve changed so much! You don’t like hanging out with us these days!”
Reacting: This person is insulting me in front of everyone! Of course I wouldn’t hang out with such insensitive people. No wonder I’ve outgrown them!
Responding: I’m upset that this person would question my intention. I’d appreciate if he was curious about me first. But it also seems like he’s wanting to connect and socialize with me but since I haven’t hung out with this group for over six months, he seems annoyed at my lack of participation.
When the other person says: “You’re an amazing team player!”
Reacting: I’m not good at accepting compliments. I’ll just laugh it off by saying it is not a big deal.
Respnding: I feel so joyful to know that I’ve been able to contribute as a team member. Can you tell me what exactly I said/did that helped you? Knowing this would help me better understand what is it that I could continue doing.
To catch yourself reacting, use the following lens:
We are quick to diagnose (blame, judge, criticize).
We deny responsibility for their choice (I had to do it).
We speak in terms of who deserves what rather than trying to truly connect with others (they will know how I felt when they go through something similar!)
We make constant demands of others ( by inducing fear, shame or guilt).