If You Can't Connect with Needs, You'll Be Stuck in a Blame Game

When others act in ways we don't like, it can be tempting to take things personally. But my experience tells me this doesn't help anyone. We get stuck in judgments and this pulls us away from what matters most to us. When we lose awareness of what matters to us, we typically start acting out in ways that contribute to the problem we most complain about.

If I'm not liking that the other person is calling me every couple of days asking for updates, it is clear that at a deeper level, I'm wanting trust. But since my focus has drafted away to thoughts of blame (he is nagging), I've lost connection with my own needs. As a result, I act in ways that make it hard for the other person to give me what I'm wanting- trust from him. The only way out of this blame game cycle is to connect with the deeper needs that are motivating me and the other person. At that level, I can see that him calling me time and again as well as me trying to avoid him are simply expressions of universal needs like trust and cooperation. When I have that kind of awareness and insight, I can connect with him because I'd also like trust and cooperation in this relationship. This connection helps explore solutions that can work for both of us.

Focusing on judgments and blame keeps us stuck in problems. This is not very emotionally intelligent, is it? Shifting to awareness of needs helps focus on potential solutions. As Visakan Veerasamy puts it, "Focus your time and energy on what you want to see more of."