Understanding Others Starts with Understanding Yourself

I believed Emotional Intelligence would teach me how to understand others’ emotions. I constantly thought it would help me recognize behavioral patterns in others, which would make me understand and connect with them. I expected that having Emotional Intelligence would result in more rapid solutions in conversations and relationships. It seemed like a simple path: feel more, learn more, and solve faster.

Surprisingly, after engaging with MEM, my understanding shifted significantly. I realized that Emotional Intelligence is not primarily about understanding others’ emotions first; it begins with understanding my own. It's about noticing how I'm feeling and identifying the needs that drive those feelings and my actions. I discovered that emotions result from unmet or met needs and that acknowledging the need behind the feeling is the key to self-connection. I realized that I had been reacting to people's actions without understanding what was going on inside of me, which was causing inflexibility and discomfort in my attempts to connect.

Here are a few examples of how there has been a shift in my understanding:

1. While I was leaving for the office in a rush, my mom requested me to set up her TikTok account.

In situations like above, I would normally get angry and react with a narrative about her that she always does this when I am about to leave. Recognizing this, I made a choice to communicate clearly and calmly saying, “I’m running late for the office; I will help you with the TikTok account in the evening when I get back.”

2. My close friend who had been to Pokhara for a few week for some official work hadn’t been responding to my texts.

In this situation I would have typically assumed she was avoiding me. I would doubt myself that I must have upset her. I would then let bitterness fill all over me and would either stop communicating altogether or blame her for ignoring me. But with the self-awareness about the stories or judgments I made in mind about her, I asked her if she was fine since for a few days she hadn’t replied. She told me her exam hadn’t gone well and so she was upset and wanting some space.

What I've realized is that Emotional Intelligence begins with connecting with oneself. It involves pausing to realize what is happening in me before attempting to reply or connect with someone else. This inward clarity is what enables true connection. Connecting Communication has helped me transition from instinctive reactions to mindful responses. This shift isn’t always swift, but it is genuine, and that is what counts the most.